NSFW: Sex and Romantic Relationships (Part 7: Clean Thoughts)
Us males can get sexually turned on even when we don’t intend to be. We can see an image, and it can turn us on against our will. It may be a generalization, but this doesn’t happen like that, or as much, with women (so I hear).
Jesus, exaggerating, says to cut your eyes out of your head (and throw them) if they cause you to lust.
This is a hard saying. Though he was hyperbolizing (hmm. Apple OSX’s Text Edit recognizes hyperbolizing as a valid word. Wordpress does not. I trust Apple more), he was serious about the subject matter. He was talking about internalizing God’s famous Ten Words to the Israelites. Instead of merely refraining from adultery, one shouldn’t even allow adulterous thoughts into his heart.
I wish I could define some terms with Jesus. Lust. This reminds me of the guy who, after Jesus told him to love his neighbor, said to Jesus, “…but who is my neighbor?”
“What do you mean by ‘lust’?”
Which of these thoughts, upon looking at a woman on the front of Cosmopolitan in a grocery store, counts as lust?:
“Wow, she’s beautiful”
“Wow, she’s hot”
“Wow, what smooth skin”
“Wow, nice boobs”
“Wow, I want to have sex with her”
“Wow, I can imagine having sex with her right now… first I’d take of my shirt…”
I don’t know where the line is concerning lust, but I do know that many of us have personal standards, and that’s what I want to work with in this post. Sometimes we find ourselves thinking too much about sex, when we didn’t intend to do so. Or we look at pornography, or masturbate, when we didn’t intend to do so.
Sometimes we do things that we don’t intend to do. This applies to many things, but for the sake of keeping in the series, we’ll apply it to sex.
I’m not sure where to fit this next part in, but I need to get it out there: pornography is not a personal issue. It’s a social issue. I grew up thinking viewing pornography would adversely affect me only. False. One of the most horrific and wide-spread crime industries is human trafficking (including sex trafficking). Most women involved in prostitution/pornography are involved against their will (recommended reading). Accessing pornography perpetuates sex trafficking. Even if you’re looking at both-party consensual pornography, it contributes to the industry demand. It doesn’t matter how many trafficking rings are broken up if the demand continues. Another supplier will rise up.
With that rant out of the way, let’s talk about finding practical ways to behave how you intend.
We tend to be compartmental in thinking about aspects of life. So we assume that we can exercise self control sexually, but, for instance, feed our belly whatever it wants whenever it wants it. However, the truth is that if you cannot control your [diet], then it’s likely you won’t be able to control yourself sexually. So think holistically. If you want to change a pornography habit, consider that you’ll also likely need to change your sleeping habits, homework habits, work habits, etc. I think I’ll write a future post solely about this topic…
Habits remind me of my frequent trips to Boba World in Pasadena with friends (yeah. Boba.com. How’s that for official?). When you got back on the 210 heading East from Fair Oaks Ave. (entering straight into the carpool lane!), there was a groove that my right set of wheels settled into. I could take my hands off of the steering wheel and my Honda would stay in the lane, even when the freeway curved. Habits are like that. They form literal grooves in your brain, that deepen with repetition, so that eventually the behavior can be done in autopilot.
Secondly, habits are like little monster pets, like my Jr. High Tamagotchi. When you indulge in a habit (whether it’s reacting in anger or watering the houseplants every Tuesday), you’re feeding the little monster pet. And the little monster pet gets bigger and stronger. Likewise, if you deny the habit, the little monster pet gets weaker and smaller. If you starve him, he’ll (eventually) die.
If you’re giving up [pornography], consider marking your calendar when you resist the temptation for that day. But if you resist the next day, make a double mark instead. The second day meant more than the first, because you’re more effectively starving your little monster pet. On the third day of resistance, make three marks. If you give in and feed him, you can start over with the marks the next day, or you can decide on a number of marks to take away (I might take away 5 or 10 marks). For more on this idea, or for software that accomplishes this same thing, read Jerry Seinfeld’s philosophy on the matter.
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Often the “battle with lust” is considered a male issue. And so it’s women that are the objects of temptation for men. And so at church beach parties, women are [encouraged] to dress modestly…
Actually, I’m going to refer you to another post, written by Magpie Girl. She says it better than I could ever:
Excerpt:
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Women get the message in church quite a bit—that there is something wrong with their physical selves, that their bodies are dangerous and sinful… I mentioned how this message – that women’s bodies were a temptation to men and should therefore be restrained, covered up, and hidden from view as much as possible, was a common message in the church. I explained that the only time women were mentioned as physical beings was in some story about how tempting they were, or perhaps to instruct them on a less revealing dress code while singing in the worship band.
Please read the rest of the post.
I include this to point out that the issue of “purity” is complex and has potential unintended ramifications (like demonizing women’s bodies). Sexual purity of life and thought (especially as a teenager) is not just about not thinking about sex or looking at pornography, just like the Christian life is not just about not sinning. Look at the bigger picture. Purity isn’t the goal. It’s means to a goal. How is purity affecting your union with God? How is it helping you live a full life? How is it helping you become the person God intends for you to become? How is it helping you to help others?
Kashmir - The Curse Of Being A Girl.mp3
April 11th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Hi Josh. My idea about commenting on your blog is that I should offer a comment that promotes dialogue about the topic or maybe a story that could deepen understanding. I am going to stray from this idea for now because I want to say…
This was a REALLY good post. Not only in your choice of topic, but in the construction of your thoughts. I was impressed by the support and extension of your ideas. If I was your professor, I’d give you an A+. Here’s something to think/pray about… Could you eventually compile these posts and publish them???
April 13th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
You’re too kind, Sarah.
Let everyone know that I asked Sarah to guest blog before she gave me this compliment. =p
Publish? They are published! Are you trying to say my blog isn’t very official? Just kidding. Sort of. I mean, do you mean I should make these into a book? Hmm. That’s flattering. I can’t imagine doing that, though. Writing a book is really hard, I hear.
April 14th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
The phrase “Let God lead you” is absent from this post. But I like that, it kinda fits. After all, this one is all about us and how we’re going to do something for Jesus.
April 14th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Hmm. I hadn’t noticed, and I didn’t leave it out on purpose. Good obs.
^_^
April 15th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
“…neverthless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me.” (Gal. 2:20)
There are two kinds of Christianity. One is a collection of ideas about how people ought to live, like every other religion or political bent or philosophy. The other kind of Christianity is outsourcing- you turn over your decision-making to Christ. You pray in the Spirit (and not in the flesh) on all occasions, and God talks back to you like He’s been doing since Adam, Cain, Noah, etc. You ask Him to tell you what to do and then you do what He says, even if it makes no sense to you.
“If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.” (Gal 5:25)
You can tell the first kind of Christianity by the rules of thumb set forth to live by, like “Stop at French kissing.” If you have a rule of thumb then you don’t need the Holy Ghost, and so give God less say in your life. This kind of Christianity also favors “try-harder” programs. You can tell the source is flesh because there is evidence, such as a calendar with check marks on days. But Jesus said that those born of the Spirit are like the wind in that you can’t tell where they are going. A calendar is made to tell where you are going- until death, when it’s suddenly wrong. James says “Is any afflicted? He should pray”, not use a try-harder program and pull himself out in his own strength. When Paul prayed this way, God spoke to him: “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9)
One can find both kinds of Christianity in the same person, warring. A man obeying the Spirit in paying the rent of someone who smeared him, then (allegedly) writing that French kissing is a good rule of thumb to follow. A blogger writing “Let God lead you”, then setting forth a try-harder program as a way to break an addiction. This came about because of a muddled gospel. People heard one kind of Christianity one day and the other the next. You can see the evidence of the first kind in the church. 53% divorce rate. 60-70% sleeping around. Drunkenness and jealousy rampant.
If you sow to the flesh you will reap corruption- you will fall, calendar or no calendar. But if you walk in the Spirit you won’t fulfill the lust of the flesh (Gal 6:8). The generation before ours bought the “try-harder” gospel hook, line, and sinker. If we believe and do what they did, we’ll get the hell that they got.
Stand fast therefore in the liberty where with Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage (Gal 5:1). For under the old covenant a man who had a sexual emission was counted ceremonially unclean and could not worship at the altar all that day (Lev. 15:16). But we are under a new covenant which doesn’t mention pornography or “seed of copulation” at all, but instead proclaims liberty, saying “God is a Spirit and they that worship him must worship in spirit and in truth (John 4:24)”. Since it doesn’t mention these at all, why not in prayer admit not knowing the will of God in this matter and ask the Holy Ghost what to do in the moment?
So don’t be occupied with meats (as in how or how not to beat yours), but let your heart be established with grace (Heb. 13:9). Even if someone you deeply respect tells you to live this way (Gal 2:6). For the apostle Paul wrote that the first kind of Christianity persists to steal your liberty and install bondage (Gal 2:4).
God bless you, bro.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Anon, interesting comment. I perceive that if I respond to it, it would take quite a bit of effort and time. I find myself not being very willing to reply if you aren’t up for a dialogue. So, will you confirm that you’ll be around to go back and forth with me if I reply in length?