The Goal: Every Moment(.) On Purpose

When Everyone Else is “Doing It…”

I had suggested to Josh that he submit a post on the misconception that everyone in their teens/early twenties is already “doing it,” so therefore, you (as a teenager/young adult) should, too. He kindly suggested that I should be a guest blogger and write this post. First of all, not everybody else is doing it. You may hear classmates talk about it, but believe it or not – they are most likely exaggerating what really happens. Not to mention if they are having sex, most likely it’s not good/meaningful sex. I have invited my husband to share some insight as a high school teacher who is privy to overhearing lots of teenage conversations. When he’s finished, I am going to share some more reasons to consider waiting until you’re older to have sex.

Paul writing: husband that is, somehow. To say that I have the privilege of overhearing the kids talk about sex is an understatement. Not only do kids feel it necessary to share, but because I have no qualms or boundaries about anything, I will openly discuss sex—or anything—with my kids, and they talk openly to me because they know two things about me: First, I am willing to answer their questions without judging them; and second, my answers will be genuine without the contrite bullshit that their parents/friends/pastors/random strangers might spew forth.

Now that I have established my credibility, or lack there of, I had several experiences recently that relate to what my wifey is talking about. This kinda shows how kids really do want to talk about sex but have no one they can talk about it with. IS and KS were a couple for three years, from sophomore through senior year. They graduated in June of 08. They never had sex in high school. She was more than ready; he was not. After they graduated, but before heading off to college, they finally did have sex, disaster ensues. IS came to visit me shortly thereafter and was telling me about the disaster (inability and uncertainty of the participants) when LG, (currently a senior) walked into my room. LG and IS have known each other for years, they were both in my debate program, so we are all close. IS continues his story, and when he is done LG says she is so glad that her and her boyfriend have waited. My jaw dropped. I had assumed that LG and her boyfriend DP were very sexually active, just by the things they say to each other and they way they behave. Turns out, they aren’t. So, LG and I got to talking about it later on…and my discovery, which was later confirmed by talking to KS when she came to visit, and by then talking to some other kids as random questions emerged, was that not a lot of kids are having a lot of sex. I had mistakenly assumed they were, because they know so much. But the reality is that they know a lot of theory, but have no practice. This of course begs the question where do kids learn about some of the more “interesting” things out there, and then I realize that you are reading this on the internet and my own question is answered. When I was in high school, back in the mid 90’s, the internet was new, and we had to learn about sex the old fashioned way: porn videos taken from older brother’s collections. Kids today have a plethora of information, or misinformation, just a google search away.

(As a side note, I think we all have to just blame porn for the entire misconception kids have as to what sex is. Physiologically—I kinda teach science—porn stars represent only about .1% of the human population. The vast majority of us do not have 12 inch penises or DDD breasts, and if you were to actually try some of the stuff you see on video or the internet without the three hours of preparation that goes into one minute of filming, you will hurt yourself, and each other. Case in point: one of my seniors from class of 07 whose boyfriend convinced her to have anal sex with him. To make a long story short, they did not prepare her for him, and he basically shoved it in her rectum, causing some tissue damage. Nothing permanent, but she had to wear adult diapers for a few days until the outer and inner sphincter muscles had healed and could close properly. End of digression.)

Back to my point…Certainly there are kids who are having sex, but from what I can figure the numbers are running parallel to how fishing works—90% of the fish (sex) are caught by 10% of the fisherman (kids). Granted those 10% are having a lot of sex, and a lot of other kids have tried it (mostly disastrous failures that they will only admit much later in life). There really is NOT a lot of sex going on. But they will never admit it. It’s too bad that there is so much pressure though for kids to have sex, so much so that they can’t just be kids.

I am just going to dive right in and say that I lost my virginity when I was seventeen. I was a senior in high school and I was (obviously) not married. I was in a meaningful relationship with the person and eventually married him and loved him at the time, but…

If my daughter were seventeen and came to me for advice on whether or not to have sex, I would suggest that she wait. (She is only two now, but I am praying for a relationship with her that is open and honest where she actually would come to me like that.) There are so many reasons I would tell her to wait – and none of them religious. If she is a practicing Christian and at the time truly wants to stay pure for her God and her future husband and herself, I will do everything in my power to support her in that decision. Josh and Lydia have done an extremely good job of discussing sex and reasons for waiting and ways to make it wholesome and meaningful. However, I recognize that there may be some teenagers/young adults out there who are still considering having sex for the sake of just having sex, regardless.

Non-religious reasons to wait until you’re older to have sex:

• Sex is extremely powerful and extremely emotional and I believe it takes a certain amount of maturity to handle the power and emotion involved that many teenagers probably don’t have yet. Here’s what I mean by sex is powerful – especially for a girl. I was kind of dorky in high school and didn’t have a lot of boyfriends and definitely was planning on waiting until marriage. Once I finally had sex, I realized that I loved it. Not as a romantic act with my partner, but the actual physical responses it caused in my body. I think if I had had sex at an earlier age without someone serious, I would have had sex with just about every boy at my school because I liked it and it would have made me feel pretty and desirable to suddenly have boys look at me. At the time, that may have sounded like fun, but the physical risks (pregnancy and STD’s) and the emotional risks (boys not calling me back after I had sex with them) would have been unimaginable. I thank God that I at least waited until I had almost graduated and was in a committed relationship!
• Because of my parents/society’s ideas about sex and relationships, I thought that because I had sex before marriage, then I definitely should marry the guy. Like I said, I loved him at the time, but I loved him with a 17-year-old’s ability to love. We did get married and our marriage did not last because I did not know enough about myself at the time to be in such a committed relationship. Now I know most of you out there probably wouldn’t rush out and get married, but you may feel like you should stay with that person for years to come, when they may not be the one for you and you will waste precious years learning about yourselves and who you could be and who you could be with others. I have since remarried and in many ways, 13 years later, I am still learning about myself and who I am in a relationship.
• If you have the “experimentation” mentality like I did, you may not just stop at intercourse. For example, there’s (and I have not done all these things): oral sex, anal sex, pornography, threesomes, and bondage. With a loving spouse, I think oral sex is appropriate and pleasurable, but none of the others. They may sound like fun at the time, but can be extremely physically and emotionally damaging for people too emotionally young to handle them.
• This is tangential, but related and important, especially for girls. Believe it or not, (from what my husband has told me and maybe some other guys out there can back me up on this one), it is not necessarily appealing to other guys to know you’re “easy.” Low-cut tops and mid-riffs and thongs showing may seem sexy to today’s youth, but it’s much more sexy and appealing to have some mystery about your body and to not show it all off. (Paul’s addition: there are girls you take home (low cut tops, thongs, etc), and there are girls you take home to Mom (the other group). I often tell my students that I dated the cheerleaders, but married the drama dork.)

When it all comes down to it, the decision to have sex should be made by just you. Not kids around you, not your significant other, not your parents, and not movies. Ten years later, heck, even one year later – those other influences will become insignificant but you will always be left with the memories of your first time. And even if everyone around you is “doing it”, there is no reason that you can’t be happy not.

Posted by Sarah.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 13th, 2009 at 3:18 pm and is filed under Words. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.