The Goal: Every Moment(.) On Purpose

Us males can get sexually turned on even when we don’t intend to be. We can see an image, and it can turn us on against our will. It may be a generalization, but this doesn’t happen like that, or as much, with women (so I hear).

Jesus, exaggerating, says to cut your eyes out of your head (and throw them) if they cause you to lust.

This is a hard saying. Though he was hyperbolizing (hmm. Apple OSX’s Text Edit recognizes hyperbolizing as a valid word. Wordpress does not. I trust Apple more), he was serious about the subject matter. He was talking about internalizing God’s famous Ten Words to the Israelites. Instead of merely refraining from adultery, one shouldn’t even allow adulterous thoughts into his heart.

I wish I could define some terms with Jesus. Lust. This reminds me of the guy who, after Jesus told him to love his neighbor, said to Jesus, “…but who is my neighbor?”

“What do you mean by ‘lust’?”

Which of these thoughts, upon looking at a woman on the front of Cosmopolitan in a grocery store, counts as lust?:

“Wow, she’s beautiful”
“Wow, she’s hot”
“Wow, what smooth skin”
“Wow, nice boobs”
“Wow, I want to have sex with her”
“Wow, I can imagine having sex with her right now… first I’d take of my shirt…”

I don’t know where the line is concerning lust, but I do know that many of us have personal standards, and that’s what I want to work with in this post. Sometimes we find ourselves thinking too much about sex, when we didn’t intend to do so. Or we look at pornography, or masturbate, when we didn’t intend to do so.

Sometimes we do things that we don’t intend to do. This applies to many things, but for the sake of keeping in the series, we’ll apply it to sex.

I’m not sure where to fit this next part in, but I need to get it out there: pornography is not a personal issue. It’s a social issue. I grew up thinking viewing pornography would adversely affect me only. False. One of the most horrific and wide-spread crime industries is human trafficking (including sex trafficking). Most women involved in prostitution/pornography are involved against their will (recommended reading). Accessing pornography perpetuates sex trafficking. Even if you’re looking at both-party consensual pornography, it contributes to the industry demand. It doesn’t matter how many trafficking rings are broken up if the demand continues. Another supplier will rise up.

With that rant out of the way, let’s talk about finding practical ways to behave how you intend.

We tend to be compartmental in thinking about aspects of life. So we assume that we can exercise self control sexually, but, for instance, feed our belly whatever it wants whenever it wants it. However, the truth is that if you cannot control your [diet], then it’s likely you won’t be able to control yourself sexually. So think holistically. If you want to change a pornography habit, consider that you’ll also likely need to change your sleeping habits, homework habits, work habits, etc. I think I’ll write a future post solely about this topic…

Habits remind me of my frequent trips to Boba World in Pasadena with friends (yeah. Boba.com. How’s that for official?). When you got back on the 210 heading East from Fair Oaks Ave. (entering straight into the carpool lane!), there was a groove that my right set of wheels settled into. I could take my hands off of the steering wheel and my Honda would stay in the lane, even when the freeway curved. Habits are like that. They form literal grooves in your brain, that deepen with repetition, so that eventually the behavior can be done in autopilot.

Secondly, habits are like little monster pets, like my Jr. High Tamagotchi. When you indulge in a habit (whether it’s reacting in anger or watering the houseplants every Tuesday), you’re feeding the little monster pet. And the little monster pet gets bigger and stronger. Likewise, if you deny the habit, the little monster pet gets weaker and smaller. If you starve him, he’ll (eventually) die.

If you’re giving up [pornography], consider marking your calendar when you resist the temptation for that day. But if you resist the next day, make a double mark instead. The second day meant more than the first, because you’re more effectively starving your little monster pet. On the third day of resistance, make three marks. If you give in and feed him, you can start over with the marks the next day, or you can decide on a number of marks to take away (I might take away 5 or 10 marks). For more on this idea, or for software that accomplishes this same thing, read Jerry Seinfeld’s philosophy on the matter.

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Often the “battle with lust” is considered a male issue. And so it’s women that are the objects of temptation for men. And so at church beach parties, women are [encouraged] to dress modestly…

Actually, I’m going to refer you to another post, written by Magpie Girl. She says it better than I could ever:

Excerpt:

Women get the message in church quite a bit—that there is something wrong with their physical selves, that their bodies are dangerous and sinful… I mentioned how this message – that women’s bodies were a temptation to men and should therefore be restrained, covered up, and hidden from view as much as possible, was a common message in the church. I explained that the only time women were mentioned as physical beings was in some story about how tempting they were, or perhaps to instruct them on a less revealing dress code while singing in the worship band.

Please read the rest of the post.

I include this to point out that the issue of “purity” is complex and has potential unintended ramifications (like demonizing women’s bodies). Sexual purity of life and thought (especially as a teenager) is not just about not thinking about sex or looking at pornography, just like the Christian life is not just about not sinning. Look at the bigger picture. Purity isn’t the goal. It’s means to a goal. How is purity affecting your union with God? How is it helping you live a full life? How is it helping you become the person God intends for you to become? How is it helping you to help others?

Kashmir - The Curse Of Being A Girl.mp3

I can get in a mode of living life intentionally. In this mode, I’m more energetic, wiser, more compassionate, more inspired. And I tend to not regret my actions while being in this mode. This can last a few minutes or a few hours, and once in a great while, a few days.

Usually, I’m in Intentional Mode because of some sort of preparation I’ve had. This preparation is reflective and prayerful, and is very grounding to me. It reminds me of who I am and why I’m here (or there). I’ve crafted a mantra to help me get into this mode (maybe someday I’ll share it with you) on a daily basis, although I don’t recite it daily like I want to.

You see, I don’t always behave like I intend to. It’s because I’m in the habit of letting life whisk me around. And when I let life whisk me around, I find myself involved in things (like sleeping in, playing purposeless video games, napping, etc.) that take away my inspiration and starve my best self. So I forget who I am, and what I’m all about.

By the way, my intentional self is my best self.

In any case, my goal is to increase the moments of intentionality.

Chris Garneau - Saturday (Lyrics)