The Goal: Every Moment(.) On Purpose

Us males can get sexually turned on even when we don’t intend to be. We can see an image, and it can turn us on against our will. It may be a generalization, but this doesn’t happen like that, or as much, with women (so I hear).

Jesus, exaggerating, says to cut your eyes out of your head (and throw them) if they cause you to lust.

This is a hard saying. Though he was hyperbolizing (hmm. Apple OSX’s Text Edit recognizes hyperbolizing as a valid word. Wordpress does not. I trust Apple more), he was serious about the subject matter. He was talking about internalizing God’s famous Ten Words to the Israelites. Instead of merely refraining from adultery, one shouldn’t even allow adulterous thoughts into his heart.

I wish I could define some terms with Jesus. Lust. This reminds me of the guy who, after Jesus told him to love his neighbor, said to Jesus, “…but who is my neighbor?”

“What do you mean by ‘lust’?”

Which of these thoughts, upon looking at a woman on the front of Cosmopolitan in a grocery store, counts as lust?:

“Wow, she’s beautiful”
“Wow, she’s hot”
“Wow, what smooth skin”
“Wow, nice boobs”
“Wow, I want to have sex with her”
“Wow, I can imagine having sex with her right now… first I’d take of my shirt…”

I don’t know where the line is concerning lust, but I do know that many of us have personal standards, and that’s what I want to work with in this post. Sometimes we find ourselves thinking too much about sex, when we didn’t intend to do so. Or we look at pornography, or masturbate, when we didn’t intend to do so.

Sometimes we do things that we don’t intend to do. This applies to many things, but for the sake of keeping in the series, we’ll apply it to sex.

I’m not sure where to fit this next part in, but I need to get it out there: pornography is not a personal issue. It’s a social issue. I grew up thinking viewing pornography would adversely affect me only. False. One of the most horrific and wide-spread crime industries is human trafficking (including sex trafficking). Most women involved in prostitution/pornography are involved against their will (recommended reading). Accessing pornography perpetuates sex trafficking. Even if you’re looking at both-party consensual pornography, it contributes to the industry demand. It doesn’t matter how many trafficking rings are broken up if the demand continues. Another supplier will rise up.

With that rant out of the way, let’s talk about finding practical ways to behave how you intend.

We tend to be compartmental in thinking about aspects of life. So we assume that we can exercise self control sexually, but, for instance, feed our belly whatever it wants whenever it wants it. However, the truth is that if you cannot control your [diet], then it’s likely you won’t be able to control yourself sexually. So think holistically. If you want to change a pornography habit, consider that you’ll also likely need to change your sleeping habits, homework habits, work habits, etc. I think I’ll write a future post solely about this topic…

Habits remind me of my frequent trips to Boba World in Pasadena with friends (yeah. Boba.com. How’s that for official?). When you got back on the 210 heading East from Fair Oaks Ave. (entering straight into the carpool lane!), there was a groove that my right set of wheels settled into. I could take my hands off of the steering wheel and my Honda would stay in the lane, even when the freeway curved. Habits are like that. They form literal grooves in your brain, that deepen with repetition, so that eventually the behavior can be done in autopilot.

Secondly, habits are like little monster pets, like my Jr. High Tamagotchi. When you indulge in a habit (whether it’s reacting in anger or watering the houseplants every Tuesday), you’re feeding the little monster pet. And the little monster pet gets bigger and stronger. Likewise, if you deny the habit, the little monster pet gets weaker and smaller. If you starve him, he’ll (eventually) die.

If you’re giving up [pornography], consider marking your calendar when you resist the temptation for that day. But if you resist the next day, make a double mark instead. The second day meant more than the first, because you’re more effectively starving your little monster pet. On the third day of resistance, make three marks. If you give in and feed him, you can start over with the marks the next day, or you can decide on a number of marks to take away (I might take away 5 or 10 marks). For more on this idea, or for software that accomplishes this same thing, read Jerry Seinfeld’s philosophy on the matter.

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Often the “battle with lust” is considered a male issue. And so it’s women that are the objects of temptation for men. And so at church beach parties, women are [encouraged] to dress modestly…

Actually, I’m going to refer you to another post, written by Magpie Girl. She says it better than I could ever:

Excerpt:

Women get the message in church quite a bit—that there is something wrong with their physical selves, that their bodies are dangerous and sinful… I mentioned how this message – that women’s bodies were a temptation to men and should therefore be restrained, covered up, and hidden from view as much as possible, was a common message in the church. I explained that the only time women were mentioned as physical beings was in some story about how tempting they were, or perhaps to instruct them on a less revealing dress code while singing in the worship band.

Please read the rest of the post.

I include this to point out that the issue of “purity” is complex and has potential unintended ramifications (like demonizing women’s bodies). Sexual purity of life and thought (especially as a teenager) is not just about not thinking about sex or looking at pornography, just like the Christian life is not just about not sinning. Look at the bigger picture. Purity isn’t the goal. It’s means to a goal. How is purity affecting your union with God? How is it helping you live a full life? How is it helping you become the person God intends for you to become? How is it helping you to help others?

Kashmir - The Curse Of Being A Girl.mp3

First of all, there’s the question, “Is masturbation a sin?”

If yes, then why? Is it a sin because you’re committing adultery with your hand? Is it because fantasies of sex (lust is the Christianese term for it) usually accompany the act? If so, then what if you think about your wife when you masturbate? What if you think about your wife, but you imagine she’s acting a way that she doesn’t normally act? What if you you imagine her with just slightly larger breasts? Is it a sin then? What if you don’t think about anyone at all while you masturbate, but you simply focus on the feeling of your hand?

A few tips for masturbation:

If you think it’s wrong to masturbate, but you end up doing it anyway, you’ll be apt to feel guilty and ashamed after (or even during) masturbation. This is a bad thing. You see, sexual acts demand and supply much association. That is, when you have sex with your wife, feelings of guilt and shame will come up (perhaps in indirect ways), because sex with your wife demanded associations from your other sexual experiences (that time you masturbated and felt horrible about yourself).

In the same manner, if you masturbate in a hurry, to get to the end, you’ll feed an idea that sex is about reaching the end. It will skew your experience when having sex. Instead, when you masturbate, enjoy the experience, and the journey to climax- even if you believe you’re sinning by masturbating in the first place. God doesn’t demand that you feel bad about yourself whenever you sin. I think [he's] more interested in you live your best wherever you find yourself. And if you find yourself masturbating against (part of) your will, make the most of it.

Speaking of making the most of it, take the chance to learn about yourself and your body when masturbating. Consider your breathing. Consider the slope of your ascension to climax. Be creative in what you can consider. Learn about yourself. It will be useful.

And also in the same manner (we’re still talking about how masturbation will create associations for you during your other sexual experiences), if you believe it’s a sin to masturbate, and you’re masturbating anyway, it will be your inclination to block God from your mind, because of the shame you feel. It’s akin to a child hiding from his parents when he knows he’s done something wrong. Except instead of hiding your body from your parents, you’re shielding your thoughts from God. Listen close. If you can let God in when you’re sinning, it’s great practice for letting God in during other times of life. Some scholars will tell you that God can’t be near you when you sin, because, I don’t know, [he] doesn’t like to be exposed to sin or something. I don’t believe this claim. If you believe said scholars, it won’t hurt you to try connecting with God when you’re sinning, right? At worst you won’t sense God, which is what you already expected to happen in the first place. Anyway, if you get in a habit of blocking God out of your mind when you’re masturbating, you’ll still be in that habit when you’re having sex with your wife. And having sex with your wife is a great time to let God in.

Off topic: one couple I knew prayed together before each time they had sex, that God would bless the union. I thought that was a great picture of something (I wasn’t sure what, but I liked how sacred they considered sex, and how they didn’t separate it from God).

Out of the male leaders in my life that I respect and trust, some have said that masturbation is a sin, and some have said that it isn’t. Unfortunately, most have said nothing at all about the topic, and the rest have said very little. One Christian leader said that when Jesus said, “If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off,” Jesus was talking about masturbating. I find that to be quite a stretch, and I don’t put stock in that interpretation, although I wouldn’t say it’s beyond consideration. Another place the Bible mentions masturbation is when Judah’s son, Onan, masturbated instead of giving a son to his widowed sister-in-law (an Ancient Near East custom). God killed him for it, by the way, but not for the masturbation in and of itself. This family has been so dysfunctional that I think masturbation was the least of God’s worries. Anyway, I can’t think of any other times the Bible mentions masturbation. This is another topic of which we Westerners have no legacy of wisdom handed down. Personally, I got about a sentence of vague information from my father (who reads my blog. No hard feelings, Dad!), and another single, vaguer sentence from my father-in-law.

Now, I know you’re dying to hear my opinion on whether or not it’s a sin to masturbate. Well, here it is:

In general, when I was a growing young man, my sexual ripeness coincided with my season of zealous pursuing of Christian holiness. Since I believed it to be a sin to masturbate, I tried not to. I deeply appreciate the way this worked out for me, because I was able to have great practice in self-control and self-denial. I was able to practice denying my body. A Biblical author wrote in a letter to someone that since he wants to do so well in life, he would practice denying bodily urges in order to have the wherewithal to perform exquisitely whenever the need arises. I find this to be a great example of self control (theory and practice), and I feel lucky to have had reason to practice self control in the area of masturbation.

As time progressed and I began questioning so many Christian traditions, I of course questioned the wrongness of masturbation. I’ll be specific and frank regarding my opinions:

- It is unhealthy to indulge in fantasies of any nature, sexual or otherwise.

- It is important to train your mind and control your thoughts. Generally, success is thinking about what you intend to think about, as opposed to letting your mind think about things that you don’t intend to think about. This needs to be especially considered when masturbating, because one’s mind is so prone to imagine when masturbating (or is it that one is prone to masturbating when imagining…?).

- If you do not control your thoughts, your mind is able to lead you to mental places that will adversely affect your life. If you let your mind think about having sex with Sigourney Weaver, then you’ll dis-attach from your wife who looks nothing like the actress, or you’ll develop desires that could never be fulfilled when you get married, or you’ll end up imagining Sigourney’s face on your wife’s face when you have sex, or something like those things.

- It is not wrong to masturbate.

- It is wrong to masturbate if it betrays your conscience.

- It is risky to masturbate while imagining having sex with your wife. It’s possible and easy to turn her into an object of no more than sexual pleasure.

- It is wrong to masturbate while looking at photographs/videos. When doing so, you’re manipulating your body to produce a certain response (what’s taken in through the eyes will cause a chemical release). This can lead to addictive behavior: conditioned stimuli like Pavlov and his dogs.

- It is wrong to not be candid with your wife about your practice or lack of practice of masturbation. Let her in on your sexuality however you can.

I’ve learned that sin is not really about the act of breaking a commandment. It goes much deeper. It accounts for motivations, subtleties, hardening of heart, and more. However I’m just starting to practice articulating the depth of sin that I believe in, so bear with my vagueness. If you want to approach masturbation rightly, then be honest with yourself. Look inside with honest eyes. You have a body that was created to have an outlet sexually, that demands, in a natural way, sexual satisfaction. Take your body seriously. You might experience confusion, but that’s better than hardening your heart, or feeling guilty every time you respond to your body’s needs.

Good luck, may God lead you.

Four Tet - Hands